dinners with a difference
Gretel Van-Lane is an engagement strategist, communications expert and creative all-rounder. Dinners with a Difference - a delicious concept Gretel cooked up in her Mount Ousley kitchen last year. It’s all about skipping the small talk and diving deep.
Interview Duncan Rintoul
Images Kelly Ryan, Matt Houston @ironbark_photography
Tell us about your project?
Dinners with a Difference is an evening where strangers – people from all walks of life – can come together, share a meal at a restaurant and talk with each other about something that matters.
The idea sprang out of an experiment I ran one birthday, when instead of throwing a regular party I hosted a dinner and got my friends to talk with each other about milestones. I thought I would get 8 people turning up, but 27 of my brave buddies said yes. We had an incredible time and everyone walked away thinking ‘Holy moly! I want more of that in my life!’. I knew I was onto something. I just had to figure out the format.
This year I’ve run one dinner every month, for the general public, each with a different theme. I’ve tried to pick juicy topics that capture people’s imagination and give them lots to talk about. Like pleasure, obligation, activism, meaning, belonging, grief, feminism, masculinity… not every topic grabs every person, but concepts like these have a lot of layers and are totally worth talking about.
How does it work?
I book out a restaurant for the night and advertise the theme in advance so people know what they’re getting themselves into. Some people come solo, others come with someone they’d like to get to know better, but everyone is equally welcome. I mix up where people sit as the night goes on too, so you’ll definitely get to meet people you didn’t come with.
And then on the night I set the conversations up pretty carefully. There are some agreements that I ask everyone to make, and these are really important. Like confidentiality, of course, because in a small community everyone knows everyone without too many degrees of separation. But then there’s other things like practicing non-judgement, only sharing what you’re comfortable to share and not jumping in to rescue or fix but instead learning to be curious and listen deeply.
What’s the impact you’re aiming for?
I want each dinner to be a transformative experience for everyone who’s in the room. Not just in how they understand the topic we’ve been discussing, although that’s part of it. But also because of the way we’ve been discussing it. I want people to come away with conversation skills they didn’t know they had inside of them: skills in listening deeply, expressing themselves honestly, disagreeing respectfully, cultivating community.
Then I want them to take those ideas and skills back to their friends and family and work. The conversations ripple out from that night. They take on a life of their own, in a healthy way. I encourage people to notice their habits. Do you tend to jump in and speak up? Practice listening. Do you tend to sit back and listen? Practice speaking up.
Why is this important? What makes you fired up about it?
It’s so easy to get caught up in the social media bubble, the superficiality, the sloganeering... it’s exhausting. But meaningful conversations are my lifeblood. They’re how I get to know the world and meet interesting people. Diverse people, in real time, reacting to what you’re saying and wanting to know what you think. That’s the good stuff!
As a society we’ve begun to lose the art of good conversation. The art of discourse. The art of getting beneath the surface. We’re out of practice being vulnerable.
Dinners with a Difference is about taking that ground back. It’s almost a form of political activism for me. I’m genuinely dismayed at the discourse I see around me, but at Dinners with a Difference people come together, hear different perspectives, listen to understand, and reflect on what’s coming out of their own mouths. I want people to be curious about each other. And I want people to be curious about themselves. Constantly evolving. Nothing’s set in stone until it’s your tombstone.
When we get good at that, it affects the way we live, the way we work, the way we vote. When we learn how to form our own ideas, how to speak honestly, how to listen, we get better at tackling big things as a society. Like racism, inequity, systemic stuff. I see this as grass roots change. That might be a bit hopeful but I’m willing to give it a shot.
What makes the Illawarra a great place to do this?
Coal Coast is my home turf, and Dinners with a Difference is the kind of thing I’ve wanted in my community for a long time.
We’re a small community, and we’re a diverse one – there’s differences of opinion and experience around every corner. But it’s so easy to just lock in with the people who already think like you and look like you and talk like you, and before you know it, you’re not benefiting from any of that diversity or contributing to it.
Because of how connected the Illawarra is, I think we’ve got a real opportunity to do something magical here. To come together in a way that finds richness in difference, and to grow a genuinely healthy, inclusive culture. A community where people can feel comfortable to be 100% themselves. A community that welcomes every person and says you’re brilliant with all your quirks and you don’t have to conform in order to belong.
“I want people to be curious about each other. And I want people to be curious about themselves.”
What have you learned about the process of leading change?
Time and again I’ve learned how important it is to be really clear about my intention, and go back to it all the time.
I’ve learned about starting small, growing slowly and cultivating balance. I get hit by all the spiritual entrepreneur stuff and the ‘girl boss’ stuff and it does my head in. Don’t feel like you have to rush it and push hard all the time. Make it sustainable. For me, quality is more important than scale. If I feel pressure, something’s not right. Rather than pushing through, I’ve learned to be curious about why I feel the pressure, and then work to ease it.
Rest is a form of activism for me. With passion projects it’s easy to get caught in the hustle, thinking that you’re going to grow it big and fast. My wellbeing is number one, so I’m not going to let this thing grow like a bonfire. Without me being strong and clear headed, it won’t work.
Get feedback and allow it to guide you, but don’t let it take the steering wheel. Feedback is also good for validation and reinforcement. I often go back to the comments I’ve received after the dinners I’ve done, just to hear those voices again. Otherwise there’s every chance my own demons and doubts will take over my internal microphone.
And reach out for support. People are more than willing to step up and step in for something that’s meaningful for them. There’s an African proverb I often go back to: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.
Dinners with a Difference runs monthly in Wollongong. If you’re keen to get along, check out dinnerswithadifference.com.au to see upcoming dates and topics.